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VIDEO: 10 most irritating things about Kenyans from Diaspora

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One time, a friend of mine went on a two-week tour of the USA and when she came back to Kenya, he couldn’t stop saying, “You know worr I am sayin?”

After visiting a foreign country, it’s normal to find locals adopting a tweng. Never mind, Kenyans who studied in India, Italy, Russia, Ukraine and Greece rarely return with accents that would make you mistake them for a Patel, Marco, Ivanov, Alexei or Costopoulos.

Here are 10 irritating things when Diaspora Kenyans jet home:

1. Ngai!..Am I safe?
This mohine who has lived in Dandora all his life, before getting a scholarship to study in some community church run college in Wyoming, will ask his childhood friends: “Is Buruburu safe after six?” when they ask him to join them for drinks.

2. Do you take cards?
Otieno, who grew up in Kasipul-Kabondo before he was saved by some missionaries who took him to Canada for college studies, will ask if he can swipe his Visa card at the local butchery.

3. Is that sparkling or orange water?
Seriously? How do you expect a shopkeeper in a sleepy village in Murang’a to stock sparkling water? People there drink water straight from Mathioya River and have never died of bilharzia…

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4. Like back in the US… my foot
Every sentence has to have a comparison of how different things are like back ‘home’ in the US of A… “This traffic… my God!… like back in the US there is nothing like this!” …”Like back in the US…things are efficient, there is service delivery… “

New York. PHOTO/FILE

5. Gas is petrol, right?
These Diaspora guys come and shortly forgot they called ‘ngata’ petrol. They call it gas and thus have to go to a gas station…  supermarkets are convenience stores. And they will ask whether you moved houses to a ‘Condo’… and when you zubaa whether they meant ‘kondoo’ they correct  that it’s ‘condominium’ back in Delaware…which is a Shagz like mid Atlantic State equivalent to Ruiru in Kenya. And by the way, nobody gives a rat’s butt what you call things in the US!

6. I can’t speak Luhya fluently
These are nincompoops who used to get the ‘disk’ for not speaking proper English or Swahili and always translated English from vernacular when talking during the Kibaki presidency. But now they proudly brag through their noses that “I only speak Luhya and Swa kidogo!”

7. Is mutura inspected?
Yes, we know Kamande the butcher handles money, and still uses the same hands to roast mutura. But we have been eating his food since we got our first jobs and nothing has ever happened…apart from an occasional stomach ache that Vodka quickly cured. But when these Diaspora charlatans come everything has cholera!

Kenyan traditional sausage (Mutura). PHOTO/FILE

8. Don’t you guys tip…
Tipping waitresses and bar maids is good. But many Kenyans who just landed from London take it a step too far. Hey will tip a waitress Sh1000 after paying a Sh1, 500 bill. They even tip gas station attendants!

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9. Overnight patriots
They look for Maasai market where they buy and wear Masaai shukas and sandals everywhere. They want African things. They want to tour the Maasai Mara, yet when they lived in Pangani estate they furthest they ever went was for a “loose mbuzi thing” (read goat eating) at Ole Polos in Kajiado.

10. Polite dictators
If they have been given stuff to deliver to you, they will make sure you pick them from where they are… like when they jet at midnight, you should be there because “I don’t want luggage!” and when they go to Mombasa, they carry your stuff and you have to wait for them.

-SDE

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PwC man who ‘fell’ from 17th floor mourned his mother for a year, cousin reveals.

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BY OLIVIA MUNGWANA

Friends, family and colleagues are painting different portraits of Stephen Mumbo,  the Price Waterhouse Coopers Forensic manager who fell from 17th floor of Delta offices which house the international audit firm.

Mr Mumbo was born in 1977 ,was the last born of two girls and three boys in Kisumu Nyamasaria, a hot, dry and humid area where black cotton soil sucks life from a crop.

Only determined weeds survive.  In the absence of his father, Arthur Waore Mumbo, an administrator at Kemri Busia who died in 1992, it was his mother, Mrs Waore, a teacher at Nyamasaria Primary School, who had the most influence in his life.

But after his father’s death, Mumbo was brought up in Alupe, Busia, by his uncle Mzee Obura, a doctor at Kemri in Alupe.

Fred Obura, a cousin, recalls that the father died when Mumbo was joining form one and his family took him.

But “when his mother died five years ago,” recalls Fred “he snapped in the office and couldn’t work. He took a one-year unpaid sabbatical to mourn his mother.”

Indeed, that Friday morning when he committed suicide, it was the huge photo of his mother in his bedroom that he last saw when he slept, and the first he saw when he woke up.

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Fred attended St Paul’s Amukura with Mumbo who was ahead of him but he recalls that Mumbo was the class prefect in form one and two and by form three and four, he was the library prefect.

“Mumbo was deeply religious and never missed church,” says Fred. Other schoolmates, too, had their own recollections.

St Paul’s Amukura was an academic giant in Busia County where it was founded by Catholic priest Father Louis Okidoi in 1962. Mumbo was the shy brain box with an awkward gait.

In the school’s achievement board, mounted proudly in the administration block, Mumbo narrowly missed being immortalised by one point. It was A- in one subject, Kiswahili, that did him in.

Charles Ekirang, his classmate, says Mumbo was expected to succeed in life since “in an age where we chased girls we nicknamed Marios, from St Mary’s Amukura, Mumbo was chasing after whoever had the key to the library.”

Caleb Etyang, a year ahead of Mumbo, says the studious boy “wasn’t a guy to go for sports or drama outings, he was much more at home in the school and the library.”

He recounts a new, beautiful teacher who drove the boys crazy when she reported, but Mumbo was unmoved with her curves.

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VIDEO: See daring officer and why Kenyans want him feted

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It is a video clip that has gone viral on social media sites, on Facebook and Twitter.

Administration Police Constable Joash Ombati is seen cornering a white car in a not so busy road in Westlands, Nairobi, where he swiftly fires in the air before ordering the suspects out and making an arrest. This looks like a well scripted scene from a movie.

Scores of Kenyans, awed by his skill, mill around the scene, urging Mr Ombati to shoot-and-kill the suspects who are alleged to have violently robbed their victim, whom they threw out of a speeding car.

Si wameangusha mtu huko wakaua. Piga ya kichwa. Ua. Gonga risasi uue. Wamalize bana. Nipatie bunduki nipige. Piga risasi bana wataenda kuongana watoke (They have already killed their victim. Shoot them in the head. Kill them. Shoot and kill them. Finish them. Give me the gun I shoot. Shoot and kill, if taken to court they will bribe their way out,” some angry Kenyan men are heard telling Mr Ombati.

But the officer that he is, Mr Ombati stays calm and pleads with the crowd: “Wachana na mimi bana, wachana na wao (Leave me alone. Leave them alone).”

The two male suspects, one of Asian origin, while lying on the road are seen uneasy, pleading with the angry mob not to harm them.

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The original post on Facebook made Nyauma Mokaya says that officer on Wednesday afternoon saw a man being thrown out of a moving vehicle shouting wezi wezi (thieves, thieves).

“Mr Ombati decided to help the man, so he took a taxi and gave the vehicle a chase. He managed to intercept it at the junction of Westlands and Mpaka Road. Mr Ombati was able to recover Sh400,000, a vehicle KBJ 614J, Toyota NZE, white in colour and arrested two suspects namely, Mr Sameer Abdulaziz Kassim and Peter Kavoi Musili.”

ONLINE DEAL

The suspects have since been detained at Parklands Police Station and face robbery with violence charges.

Mr Ombati said the complainant Mr Amos Charo went to the station and reported that he had Sh732,000, and had come from Voi to Nairobi to buy cheap construction materials from people he interacted with in the online shopping website OLX.

Police reports show that the suspects took Mr Charo to Westlands to meet a man whose name was only given as Mr Patel.

“They then took the money and threw him out of the vehicle and drove off near NIC bank,” reads the police statement.

Mr Ombati, 34, hails from Kikuyu town and is a married father of two.

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ONLINE LOBBYING

Following Mr Ombati’s display of bravery, Mr Mureithi wa Lucy send an appeal to President Uhuru Kenyatta and Interior Cabinet Secretary Fred Matiang’i on this year’s Mashujaa Day: “Salute to the AP cop. He should be promoted, and recognised by Matiang’i and Uhuru. Joash Ombati is indeed a Shujaa.”

Mr Nyauma Mokaya added: “As the State House compiles the list of those who should be awarded HSC awards on 20th Oct, they should also consider awarding this man for his [bravado] and sacrifice. We don’t want to see individuals like Ben Githae and Githeriman who have contributed nothing for this country.”

Hashtags #IfikieBoinnet, #IfikieMatiangi have been trending since the post went online in Kenya’s Buyer Beware Facebook page as many netizens celebrate the rare gesture by a cop, while others dared the president to learn from Mr Ombati.

nation.co.ke

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VIDEO: Tired of being white, Mzungu woman ‘colours’ herself black and adopts a Kenyan name

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A mzungu woman who turned herself black after being fed up with being white has adopted a Kenyan name after being baptized in Nyeri.

Last year, 29-year-old Martina Big, a former blonde and blue-eyed air hostess from Germany, began the journey of transforming herself into an African (black). This came after she spent 6 million shillings to have breast implants that earned her the tag “the woman with biggest boobies in Europe”. They weigh 12 kilogrammes.

In an interview in the past, Big said that she admired the dark skin of Africans and had decided to turn herself black. Last year, she underwent a life-threatening melanin injection, a procedure outlawed in countries, and completely changed her skin color.

She further made a 50-tubed sun bed in her house, to accelerate her blackness and now believes her kids will be born black. She further visited a salon that caters for African hair and got a kinky weave, in her journey to become an African.

“I compared my hair with that of other Africans in the salon. Theirs is identical to mine,” she posted on her Instagram page after the weave was sewn in.

Last month, she began her maiden trip to Africa starting with in Kenya, where has adopted an African name after being baptized in Nyeri.

READ ALSO:   VIDEOS: Mzungus not welcome to take political leadership in Kenya - Moi

In a video she posted online, a man believed to be a pastor baptized her. He is heard saying, “Malaika Mkubwa, you are now a new creature in Jesus’ name”.

Martina donned a white African regalia, kneeling next to the pastor who the Standard learnt was pastor Isaac Murage of Gichira Baptist Church. Murage said he was introduced to Martina by a member of his church.

“She told me the lady wanted to be baptised, and I told them to come,” he said.

Murage denied claims that he chose the name “Malaika Mkubwa” for her. “She came with the name written down,” he says, adding that his church does not give baptismal names to its members.

Martina updated her website to reflect her newly acquired name. However, Race Equality Foundation, a European organisation that champions for racial equality criticised her attempt to be black.

“She has “limited understanding” of challenges ethnic minority groups face. Her story distracts from problems black people face,” said the group.

She has revealed plans to widen her nose and also enhance her bottoms to give it the African look.

Mwakilishi.com

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