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VIDEO: Can your union survive sexual addiction?

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For two years, Robert Burale was the perfect gentleman and the accomplished television reporter. He looked good. He had a girlfriend he treated with love and respect and showered with money and gifts.

But beneath the veneer of perfection he hid a deep, dark secret: he suffered from sexual addiction.

According to John Maina, a psychologist at Maranatha College of Professional Studies, sexual addiction manifests in different ways.

“It may range from obsessive watching of pornography and excessive masturbation to obsessive visits to strip clubs and brothels.”

“Addiction to sex begins with a few sexually oriented acts and leads to distorted thinking as the addict tries to rationalise and justify his addiction.”

An addiction will be diagnosed as such when it begins to impact on one’s social, financial or career life.

Robert successfully managed to keep his addiction under wraps for the most part of his relationship, but in late 2005, the cat jumped out of the bag.

“I began to have financial difficulties and get into debt. My prospective in-laws found out that I’d borrowed a huge chunk of money and they told my then girlfriend,” he says.

At first, she vowed to stand by him, but as Robert got into more debt in order to sustain his flashy lifestyle and addiction, she started to get suspicious.

“I had reached a point where I no longer had as much money as I used to. My girlfriend wondered what was going wrong, but I convinced her that I was just saving for a big investment plan.”

Living large

Unknown to his girlfriend, Robert’s income was going towards settling debts and paying bills at his favourite strip joint in Langata. His addiction was such that he could spend as much as Sh100 000 in one night in such clubs.

The relationship deteriorated when rumours began to spread about his visiting these clubs. His girlfriend did not take the rumours lightly; she began to keep tabs on his evening activities and it did not take long before he was nabbed.

“I suspect that someone might have seen me and my boys stroll into the club and called her. She caught me red-handed stacking money onto a stripper,” Robert says.

Although in the next few weeks he attempted to plead his innocence and salvage his relationship, his goose was already cooked.

“She just couldn’t take it and opted to leave,” says the former host of the popular TV travel reality show Kenya My Land.

Not many women would stomach their man being a sex addict, so her decision was understandable. In any case, Robert’s addiction was too far gone at this point.

“I was in my fifth year of addiction, having started out in the United Kingdom while studying for my degree in business management at Demontfort University,” he admits.

The addiction was fuelled in part by his peers and the attention his affluence accorded him.

“At first, I wanted to fit in. My boys were doing it and I did not want to be left out. Moreover, African men seemed to be in demand, which boosted our egos,” Robert says, adding that although he felt messed up and wanted to stop, he always found himself going back to the strip clubs.

When treating a sex addict, the treatment and recovery is never easy. Usually, the treatment takes time and hard work, particularly in the first year. In most cases, the recovery begins with the addict’s acceptance that he has a problem.

Spurring change

“Recovery is usually induced by the consequences, for instance, the loss of a job, a divorce, or a health problem,” John says.

For Robert, it was debt that spurred his change.

“At times, while still a TV show host, I would sleep hungry because I had no money to get supper. My mother found this difficult to comprehend when she found out.”

In 2008, he became a born-again Christian and began his recovery at an evening class that was hosted by a church in Ngong.

Robert admits that he often wondered if he could ever be whole again: “Some people in the congregation said that I’d only changed because of my debt and that once I got on my feet again, I would relapse. I felt like I had too much baggage on my shoulders.”

Facing fear

But perhaps what scared the man who is now a pastor at the Faith Chapel in Nairobi most was wondering whether any woman could ever accept him and his murky past.

In any case, she would have to confront her family’s and friends’ reactions as Robert’s fiancée, Rozinah Mwakideu, told Saturday Magazine.

“When I began to date Robert, my family and some of my friends were genuinely concerned, yet I desperately wanted them to receive the man I loved. There were those who feared that he would go back to the addiction while others quipped that ‘once a thief always a thief’. But as they came to know the new, changed Robert, their fears gradually fizzled out.”

She adds that she was also concerned about how her son would react upon meeting Robert.

Before Robert proposed a relationship, Rozinah remembers that he hinted at something about his past: “He casually told me that he’d met my brother, who was a radio presenter, but did not expound on what the meeting was all about. When I asked my brother, he admitted to having interviewed Robert but, interestingly, did not give me the details. Now I know the interview was about his past addiction.”

She confesses that she might have reacted differently had her brother told her about Robert’s addiction.

Making a move

According to John, walking out on your man once you find out that he is a sex addict may not always be the best option: “Sexual addiction is a treatable ailment. But your man may not always open up out of fear that you may reject him.”

Robert attests to this. “I shied away from disclosing my past because I was not sure how she would react. I worried that once she found out, she would turn me down. But once I felt that it was time to confront my past and propose a relationship, I did not hold back.”

This proved to be the best move.

“I was impressed that a man would come out and tell the woman he wants about a past that many would consider scandalous,” Rozinah says.

“It made me see that he was not seeking a casual union but a serious, committed relationship. It made me respect and trust him.”

Robert and Rozinah make it a point to talk a lot about their pasts. Robert adds that Rozinah encourages him to speak about it.

“From my experience, I know that it is possible for a sex addict or any other addict to overcome his addiction. Personally, I’m proud that since 2008, I have maintained a clean slate,” he says with a smile.

-nation.co.ke

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Lifestyle

End our anxiety, families of missing Lamu men tell State

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Lamu families whose kinsmen disappeared mysteriously are questioning the government’s continued silence on the matter.

The families had hoped the year 2020 would bring to an end all the emotional turmoil they have undergone while wondering whether their relatives are alive or dead. The year is now almost over and there are no signs of their loved ones coming back.

More than 10 families in the region have, for several years, been in the dark concerning the whereabouts of their brothers and uncles who vanished under unclear circumstances, some in the hands of security agencies.

Families, relatives and friends of the victims interviewed by Nation.Africa acknowledged finding it hard to cope with the unanswered questions.

Most of the victims have been missing for as long as eight years.

An example is the family of Makka Mzee living at Mkunumbi in Lamu West.

Mr Mzee, a teacher by profession, has undergone tough times since his son, Imrana Said Makka, 29, went missing on March 31, 2015.

Mr Imrana Said Makka, 29, who went missing since March 31, 2015.

Kalume Kazungu | Nation Media Group

Imrana was abducted by three men who identified themselves as anti-terror officers in Malindi town on that fateful day, never to be found or heard of again.

It is now six years since his mysterious disappearance.

Imrana’s sister Sada Said Makka told the Nation that they have not heard any news concerning his brother who left behind three children.

“Despite our efforts to visit various police stations in Lamu, Malindi and Mombasa for enquiries, nothing has materialised. We’re yet to get any news on Imrana’s whereabouts.

We’re very much unhappy with the way the government has been silent on the matter despite the numerous reports we filed,” said Ms Sada.

The situation is similar in Kwasasi Village in Hindi, Lamu West, where the family of 42-year-old Ali Bunu is yet to come to terms with his mysterious disappearance five years ago.

The father of nine and who owned an estate in Kwasasi Village was said to have been picked up at his farm by unknown people in State-owned police and military vehicles on the night of April 8, 2016.

Mr Ali Bunu, 42, who went missing in April 2016.

Kalume Kazungu | Nation Media Group

During the incident, Mr Bunu’s house and livestock were torched by the ”officers” before he was whisked away with his four workers and a nephew to an unknown destination on that night.

All except Bunu were the next day dumped in the bush near the Bar’goni military camp from where they found their way back home.

Relatives of Mr Bunu believe the State is better placed to answer their questions since the vehicles that picked up their kin bore government number plates.

“My brother’s children are suffering. Their education has been very stressful. Even processing their ID cards has been a problem, all because their father is absent. The piece of land that our brother owns at Kwasasi in Hindi has partially been grabbed since the owner is not around. The government should help us find our brother so that we can be at peace as a family,” said Mrs Hafswa Bunu, a sister.

In Witu town, another family is in agony over the disappearance of 32-year-old Mohamed Abdalla Ali.

Mr Mohamed Abdalla Ali, 32, a resident of Witu in Lamu West who went missing on June 14, 2018.

Kalume Kazungu | Nation Media Group

Mr Ali went missing on the night of June 14, 2018.

He had accompanied his friends to watch a Fifa World Cup tournament in one of the hotels in Witu.

The last born in a family of five had completed his Form Four at Witu Secondary and was yet to join college.

His father Abdalla Basalama is a retired Administration Police Senior Sergeant.

Ali’s eldest sister Amina Abdalla says that for all that time, they have searched for Ali without success.

“We’ve visited all police stations but we haven’t traced Ali. We’re appealing to the police and any other security agencies to help my family track down the whereabouts of Ali whether alive or dead,” said Ms Amina.

The family of 43-year-old Mohamed Avukame Haroun is also yet to come to terms with his mysterious disappearance on August 23, 2017.

Mr Mohamed, a Malindi-based businessman who also deals in property management and land, was taken away by men in a black vehicle (a Toyota Prado) to an unknown destination.

His elder brother, Bwanaheri Avukame Haroun, says the father of two was bundled into the car by two armed men who accosted him within Mombasa High Court precincts.

Mr Mohamed Avukame Haroun, 43, who went missing on August 23, 2017.

Kalume Kazungu | Nation Media Group

Mr Bwanaheri insists that those who took away his brother are police officers since they had handcuffs and were armed with guns.

“His phone has been off since then. The State is aware of the whereabouts of my brother. Let the government assist us in tracing the whereabouts of my brother. His family is suffering,” said Mr Bwanaheri.

At Mpeketoni in Lamu West, the family of 35-year-old Osman Abdi is also in the dark after the man went missing just days after the June 15, 2014, Mpeketoni attacks.

Mr Abdi, a milk vendor, is said to have been arrested by police.

In a recent interview with the Nation, Lamu County Commissioner Irungu Macharia asked families whose kinsmen had disappeared to come out and record statements with police and his office for action.

“These people might have crossed into Somalia. So there is a need for families to come out and report such cases to authorities for action,” said Mr Macharia.

In 2018, Haki Africa Organisation listed Lamu as among leading counties in the Coast region with many cases of mysteriously missing persons.

Various activists and religious leaders in the county and across the Coast region have on various occasions pleaded with the State to help the affected families find them.

by nationafrica

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Health

Nairobi woman hopes to give birth, leave bedsitter 4 years after husband kicked her out

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Gasherry Bendito has always been on the move. Her life revolves around thinking of the next step.

Nairobi woman hopes to give birth, leave bedsitter 4 years after husband kicked her out

Gasherry and her mother. Photo: Gasherry Bendito
Source: Facebook

As she plots about her next move, the beauty gets caught up in wishful thinking and dreaming of a more permanent way to live.

Four years ago, the struggling woman was kicked out of her marital home by the man she gave her heart and soul to.

When married, Gasherry could not bear children and that drove her partner insane. So, he saw it fit to get rid of her.

That meant she had to recalibrate and start from square A. This squeezed her between a rock and a hard place.

In just four years, the lady’s life proved to be a living hell as she struggled to find a decent job and a place to lay her head.

Nairobi woman hopes to give birth, leave bedsitter 4 years after husband kicked her out

The lady’s tiny room. Photo: Gasherry Bendito
Source: Facebook

“From losing my job, to being thrown out, to becoming a domestic worker, to being hosted by a colleague, and finally living in a hostel,” she narrated in a Facebook post sighted by TUKO.co.ke.

All along, Gasherry held onto unused baby clothes she had bought in the past as she waited for the fruit of the womb.

While crushing at her tiny bedsitter sufficiently decorated with a small bed, the hopeful woman still believed that one day she will get to hold her own bundle of joy.

Nairobi woman hopes to give birth, leave bedsitter 4 years after husband kicked her out

Gasherry could not have kids and that irked her estranged husband. Photo: Gasherry Bendito
Source: Facebook

The netizen told social media users she has been unable to get rid of the infant clothes because at the back of her mind, motherhood is her biggest goal in life.

“I have this bag full of baby clothes from 2014 when I was getting ready to have a baby. Almost seven years down the line and I am still holding on to it. I move with it everywhere I go,” she added.

Nairobi woman hopes to give birth, leave bedsitter 4 years after husband kicked her out

She has stored baby clothes for seven years. Photo: Gasherry Bendito
Source: Facebook

In other related news, a woman left many in tears after disclosing the pain she has been through for lack of children in her marriage.

The lady, identified as Margaret Wanjiru, opened up about her torturous 25 years journey on Monday, April 27.

Speaking to Kikuyu Diaspora TV, Wanjiru revealed life was not easy for her even in the first years of her marriage.

According to her, she married the love of her life in 1993 after two years of dating and after a few years in marriage without a child, her mother-in-law started insulting and mistreating her.

“I met the love of my life and after dating for two years, we moved in together in 1993 and this is when things started going south. At home, everyone was on our case since we did not have a child. Fights from my mother-in-law became intense. There is no pain like being married and you have money but no child,” she said.

by Tuko

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Entertainment

‘I have no access to you,’ Frankie pens emotional letter to son, says he’s barred from seeing his kids

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Fitness coach Frankie Kiarie has penned a touching letter to his firstborn son Lexi with Maureen Waititu.

The father of two showered his son with love and narrating how he brought so much joy to his life.

To My Son,

When you came into this world, you brought a love so pure I had never before experienced. When you spoke your first word, walked your first steps, I became your biggest fan. With every milestone you reached, I reveled in joy. You taught me the meaning of love — true, unconditional love.

As you continue to grow, you will live your own life. You will have times of happiness and times of disappointment. You will fall in love, and you will have your heart broken. Life has its ups and downs and is not always fair, but I know your strength and resilience will see you through.

May you always know your worth and how incredibly precious you are! As your Papa, it is my privilege to impart these important truths to you.

Frankie went ahead to reveal that he hasn’t seen his kids for a while now because he has no access to them.

‘Since I have no access to you, I’ll pass these words on and hope they find you. Be true to yourself always. Live your own dreams. Don’t take life so seriously. And, last but certainly not least, Know that I love you and will always be there for you. No matter what, I’ve got your back. You are my son and always will be. Happy Birthday Lexi,’ he wrote.

A few weeks ago, Mpasho.co.ke reached out to Maureen Waititu to respond to claims that she had barred Frankie from seeing their kids she denied.

‘I HAVE NOT BARRED HIM [FRANKIE] FROM SEEING HIS KIDS.  MY LAWYER CONTACTED HIM THROUGH A LETTER FOR A ROUND TABLE MEDIATION TO COME UP WITH A STRUCTURE AND ORDER ON HOW TO RAISE THE KIDS BUT HE MADE IT VERY CLEAR HE HAS NO OBLIGATION TO RESPOND TO THAT.’ she said.

By Mpasho.co.ke

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