down on single mums, a mindset which needs to already have been washed away through time.
There is more to being a stepfather than just bribing the child to like you with intentions of getting into mother’s life. The man stepping into this position will need to build a more heart-to-heart bond than just about gifts and fun places.
As child psychologist, Faith Mutegi shares, it takes ‘dating’ both the child and mother.
“When it comes to being a stepfather, they have to keep in mind they are not only dating the mother, they should also date the children. And if it’s a son or daughter they need to relate with those children differently. They need to know that they are not coming to take over,” she says.
“If it’s a man coming into the picture where there is a boy, especially if the boy is of age (have started school) they have known they are the male in the family, and has learnt that everything comes from the mother. The boy has to understand you are not taking over from his mother or trying to take her away from them. As much as you want to be a father figure, remember they have been self-reliant for a long time. Allow the child to see you for who you are, your authentic self so you don’t scar a child’s life for life. Children are idealistic,” she adds.
Relating with step children
If it’s a girl, there is a whole dynamic to it because there is the father-daughter bond. And if the child is, say eight years and below, a father figure is central.
“You need to know how to relate with a girl. Have time where it’s not just you and the family. You can have moments where they see you with other children. And then they slowly adapt or see who you are, whether it’s with them or other people. Your intentions have to be clear and don’t rush it. Be authentic, don’t force it, don’t show off. Even silent moments such as watching their favourite cartoon and laughing helps in bonding, so they know you can relate to them,” she says.
To seamlessly fit in this position, Faith says, is not as smooth as others might assume. In some scenarios, both man and woman have their own children. Read, research on step and blended families.
“Irrespective of who has the child, you are not the normal typical family and people will know. Your immediate family members equally need to be educated that there is nothing wrong with marrying someone who has a child. There are many online support groups for men who have stepped into that role and learn from them. Sit down with an elderly and ask for wisdom,” she concludes.
FAITH
Allow the child to see you for who you are, your authentic self…
ERICK
If you love people wholly, you accept them fully.
HELPING TIPS
• Try to forget he/she is not your biological child. Always thinking about it would
